One of the hardest things for me to do is to be open and honest with people and sometimes to myself. It’s the flaw that I don’t wish to have. But it’s something I am working on everyday. Even writing this for you all to read is more than I can bear but I know that I will be okay with it later and be grateful.
It’s not like I am lying about everything in my life or anything. It’s more of me lying about things that really affect me in such a negative way. As cliché as it sounds, I am the girl that hides behind her smile. I am notoriously good at having this facade that even if someone asks me if I am sure everything is good I can prove to them that everything truly is fine.
I don’t like having this skill. It’s a skill that easily holds me back from really letting people in.
I am finally realizing that my past is a massive negative anchor that I need to cut away from. It’s lead me to the point in my life that I have created this thick skin that no one is able to cut through. Even my longest friend is finding out new things about me. Things that I locked in a vault I buried deep in my mind and the only one that knows is me.
People fail to realize that I have been hurt many times in many ways than they can imagine. I am the girl that everyone always say, ” oh, I would have never guessed. You just don’t look like that kind of person.”
That’s a classification that I absolutely dislike.
Yes, it may not be because of those hidden facts of me but it goes with every aspect in my life. Just because I like to look as certain way doesn’t mean I have to fit in the – supposed – stereotype.
Anyways, I only wish for improvement from this. This post is a huge step and I couldn’t be happier to push ‘publish’. It may not be with certain people but writing and having you read this is more than enough right now. Everyday I want to take a little step to opening up. Which I have started on my friends. Now to expand. It’s always hard to start with someone but I know I can do this. I lost my faith and hope once but I need to remind myself of why I am taking these steps.
The future is only looking brighter.