One of the hardest things for me to do is to be open and honest with people and sometimes to myself. It’s the flaw that I don’t wish to have. But it’s something I am working on everyday. Even writing this for you all to read is more than I can bear but I know that I will be okay with it later and be grateful.
It’s not like I am lying about everything in my life or anything. It’s more of me lying about things that really affect me in such a negative way. As cliché as it sounds, I am the girl that hides behind her smile. I am notoriously good at having this facade that even if someone asks me if I am sure everything is good I can prove to them that everything truly is fine.
I don’t like having this skill. It’s a skill that easily holds me back from really letting people in.
I am finally realizing that my past is a massive negative anchor that I need to cut away from. It’s lead me to the point in my life that I have created this thick skin that no one is able to cut through. Even my longest friend is finding out new things about me. Things that I locked in a vault I buried deep in my mind and the only one that knows is me.
People fail to realize that I have been hurt many times in many ways than they can imagine. I am the girl that everyone always say, ” oh, I would have never guessed. You just don’t look like that kind of person.”
That’s a classification that I absolutely dislike.
Yes, it may not be because of those hidden facts of me but it goes with every aspect in my life. Just because I like to look as certain way doesn’t mean I have to fit in the – supposed – stereotype.
Anyways, I only wish for improvement from this. This post is a huge step and I couldn’t be happier to push ‘publish’. It may not be with certain people but writing and having you read this is more than enough right now. Everyday I want to take a little step to opening up. Which I have started on my friends. Now to expand. It’s always hard to start with someone but I know I can do this. I lost my faith and hope once but I need to remind myself of why I am taking these steps.
The future is only looking brighter.
The first week of school is officially halfway done but for me it finishes today [thursday]. Business students are lucky enough to have a four day week.
If you can’t tell already, I am posting this in the late evening of Wednesday but early morning of Thursday. It’s about one a.m. and I have the urge to write than sleep.
Last night was one of the worst nights I have had in a long time. My anxiety had the best of me and the frustration could not have been any worse. Long story short, my eyes were still puffy from how hard I cried until it cleared up that afternoon. It felt like everyone could see it in class but I ignored the feeling and moved on with my day. I kept as much hope in my mind that it would go away and it eventually did.
I used to be the girl that would cry herself to sleep every night but no one ever knew. It was my little secret. Friends never understood why I didn’t like sleepovers of any kind but loved going home to my bed. That was my safe haven. The place where I can hide. It’s sad when you do think about it but it hasn’t happened every night since the end of high school.
I am beginning to learn that what happened in my past I shouldn’t be at all embarrassed. It’s the past for a reason. It happened and you move on. That was one of my problems. I used to live in the past instead of the present. I am just extremely happy that I am figuring that out because it is a step forward.
After class I will be heading to Bozeman for the MSU Gold Rush Game. I have high hopes that this trip will be fun because the other two times that I went to Bozeman I had a terrible time. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tomorrow school starts again and I couldn’t be more excited. And the way this weekend wrapped up… 🙂 Nothing but smiles.
Although, no one should be allowed to take so many tequila shots in one night and still be allowed to drink an irish trashcan. Thank God for pedialyte or I would really be in trouble!
This last month of summer has been the highlight of my entire year and I intend for it to continue! I am even going to Bozeman for their first football game of the season this Thursday. I am going with my friend Jessica who gave me a ticket and I’ll be with her at their family tailgate. I’m nervous but excited. I have only gone to Bozeman a couple times but during those times it sucked major. So in my eyes I thought Bozeman would never be fun but she said she’ll prove me wrong. Keep your fingers crossed!
I think it’ll be different this time because I am heading there in a different mindset. I am being positive!
Then on Friday we will return to Missoula and it will be the Griz turn at a night game. I’m not gonna go but I will still watch the game. Doesn’t really sound like school pride but I went to so many in my early years of college that I can only handle so much of the student section.
Hopefully Annie can make it this weekend. She told me she wants to come here Friday and stay for the whole weekend. It’s hard when one of your best friends live so far away in a town that has nothing but dirty water.
This week is filled with plenty of memories to be made and I can not wait!
Having that kind of happy that is unexplainable is amazing. I’m not sure if you have experienced it but I hope you do! It’s this feeling that has the same emotion as floating on cloud nine. A place that you can be independent without having a significant other take you there.
In my teen years I only visited cloud nine whenever I met a boy that I absolutely crushed on. And I think that’s why I kept trying [irregardless] if the boy broke my heart. You live & learn right?
Now, in my young adult years, I can happily say that I am just floating by myself.
For the first time I am genuinely happy about my place in life and where I am headed.
I wish I could explain this in words but I can’t. It’s as if there are no words that are worthy or can really explain & describe this kind of happiness.
My friends have even taken notice and have told me that there was something different about me. All they can do is smile at me and be happy back because all I can do is smile as a response. I’m hoping that I radiate this happiness and it catches on because despite of what is happening in the world and everyones own world, happiness is always a gleam of hope that everyone wants a piece of.
Lately I have been feeling like writing has become too much of a chore and I don’t enjoy it one bit. I feel like I am not writing for myself but merely writing to try impress everyone else. Why? It’s not what I wanted but it happened.
Somehow, in the process of creating a blog I lost the true focus of what I truly wanted to come out of it. Rereading some of the old posts (only some) they sound like I am forcing the words to be typed. It’s not like it just flowed or remotely sounded like myself. I think there is probably a small handful of five that sound like the direction that I wanted it all to take. I just can not understand how it veered off of direction. Then again, I didn’t really know what I wanted.
This entire process that has lasted about eight months has taken me on a journey. A journey that has shown me who I am and has really defined what I want. In the end, I just had to remind myself of why I really started this whole blogging business. (Not even a business but a hobby.) Now I just have to have a better grasp and never let go of it.
I recently started a blog site called beyoutifulcliche and I absolutely love it. It has everything that I love. I talk about beauty, health, fashion and everything in between. As much as I love it I do miss the simplicity of just writing and posting. As a result, I thought of just opening another just for me. Why not right?
Since the day I was given my first journal at the age of five I have yet to stop writing. It’s practically a part of me – a wonderful habit – that I refuse to tear myself from.
Writing has helped me through life in many ways and I couldn’t be any more grateful than I am right now. The days that I forget to jot down those little thoughts that I have throughout the day; I tend to feel guilty for not doing so. People automatically assume that you have to write everyday and about exactly what you did for the day. It sounds terrible when you think of it like this. Writing shouldn’t be treated as a chore but more of a beautiful outlet that lets your thoughts organize themselves.
I think there was only one part of my life that I actually tried this. It lasted for about a year and it was dreadful. You could even sense it when you reread everything how miserable it was for me. The only bonus to chronological writing is reading memories that you conveniently forgot. Always manages to give a good laugh.
So, I don’t expect this blog to fall under a niche or anything but to be an accumulation of me and my life. Not so personal but personal enough that you can have a pretty good sense of who I am.
Before I end this post I always like to tell people my favorite saying.
“Sometimes life is easier to understand when it’s written down“.
Shark Week is a big week in the year that has grown such large popularity that college kids everywhere have created a drinking game in its honor. If you haven’t heard of it yet go ahead and google it [the game]. But in my case I took part in a photoshoot that was themed for Shark Week. I jumped on board to do the makeup and hair for an awesome collaborations duo that call themselves GRASSROOTMODELING. They are an amazing modeling duo that is growing in popularity with each day that creeps by.
Since it is in honor of Shark Week, I watched a lot of the Discovery Channel and searched photos of many different sharks to draw in some inspiration.
ANNNDD this is what I did:
This is what she looked like before in the all naturale.
Then about an hr or so – I really didn’t keep time – she became a shark!
I had an absolutely amazing time doing her makeup! It was definitely different than the everyday kind of makeup that I am accustomed to but sometimes you gotta try something different. I’m just really glad that it came out so well. I tried the hair and makeup on myself the night prior and it definitely looked different than what you see. I was relying on the luck of it all just falling together and it did.
This is only the beginning of many makeup styles I intend to do!
So just for the mere purpose of posting more than the two photos above here’s a couple more.