Life Change

I have premature ovarian failure.

A failure that my whole being endures.  Emotionally and physically.

For those that don’t know, my ovaries have merely given up and take the stage a 40 year old woman should be going through.  The only difference is that I’m in my early twenties.

The biggest negative is that I can never have kids…

My endocrinologist informed me that the kind that I have has left me with zero eggs in my body.  So even if I were to think of getting a surrogate or in-vitro there is no chance of my child actually being my child.  It can have the genes of my future husband but non of mine.

To process that information was the hardest thing I ever had to do.  At first I was blank but now I’m numb.  I haven’t thought about it in a long time but to really write it out brings back those tears.  Those tears that I buried when I couldn’t feel anymore.

I have been going through hormone replacement.

As a side effect of my post ovarian failure I was stuck with the body of a 14 year old as a young adult in my early 20s.  My doctor wanted to catch up my body because if I didn’t, my bones will continue to grow weaker. So, for the last year and a half I have been enduring extreme emotions and body changes that a pubescent girl goes through.

My main goal from all of this is to be normal.  My only dream.  Now it’ll be a hair away from my goal as children is an option that has been taken from me.

Yes, I have the wonderful option to adopt a child and I always planned on it.  But to hear a child that is completely yours is a beautiful thing.  Almost like a passage in life.

I always said that I didn’t want to have my own children but it is different when that option is completely stripped from you. 

My friends are great to point out all of the positives.  They even tell me that they think I’m lucky.  I believe that they just don’t understand. It’s really hard to understand when you’re on the outside looking in.

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3 thoughts on “Life Change

  1. I love you sweetie. And you are very right. I am hoping to be in your neighborhood fairly soon. Your mom and dad have some stuff for us. But I have made it very clear my limit time there is for you and Melissa. I may just hug you and not let go! How do feel about canada? ♥♥♥♥♥

    • Oh I can’t wait to see you! It’s been so long. Canada?? Tell my dad to get me there haha. Or my friends and I are thinking a trip there. They want to go to whistler for college days.

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