My life has taken so many twist and turns in the last month. I can’t believe I am able to catch my breath right now.
There was a point where I really thought I hit rock bottom but I knew better. I knew better than to let the negative get the best of me. I had to stay strong and prove my self wrong. I can get through anything.
It was a rough battle but I now stand strong and can clearly see the light at the end of the tunnel. There are a few discrepancies but they are not holding me back any more. They are not this huge black spot that is blurring my vision. My vision does not need those but my mind needs to be reminded that they are there but I control how big they get.
I am truly blessed with all the people in my life. Even if it was a passing by or a long-term friend. Each encounter has created who I am today.
My most personal post was the hardest thing for me to share. Every emotion was running through my veins at the same time. My anxiety couldn’t have been any higher, but then…the responses from all of you. Soon after I began to be flooded with text messages, emails, messages on Facebook, comments, and personal encounters. I thought that it was forever going to be awkward with people but it wasn’t. It was peaceful. As if every anxiety of being around others was lifted and thrown away.
My heart grows happy with the amount of love I received that day. I feel like I gave people hope and the realization that every one is human. No one is perfect but a unique individual that people fail to recognize.
So, I thank everyone that took the time out of their day to read what has been eating at me for a long time.
I do not expect people to feel sorry for me. I wasn’t looking for attention. I was looking for a crane to lift the heavy burden that I carried on my shoulders for a few years now. I felt awkward and ugly because of what I have been going through and I made it run my life. I don’t want that anymore and I have decided to take my life back and be happy.
I have premature ovarian failure.
A failure that my whole being endures. Emotionally and physically.
For those that don’t know, my ovaries have merely given up and take the stage a 40 year old woman should be going through. The only difference is that I’m in my early twenties.
The biggest negative is that I can never have kids…
My endocrinologist informed me that the kind that I have has left me with zero eggs in my body. So even if I were to think of getting a surrogate or in-vitro there is no chance of my child actually being my child. It can have the genes of my future husband but non of mine.
To process that information was the hardest thing I ever had to do. At first I was blank but now I’m numb. I haven’t thought about it in a long time but to really write it out brings back those tears. Those tears that I buried when I couldn’t feel anymore.
I have been going through hormone replacement.
As a side effect of my post ovarian failure I was stuck with the body of a 14 year old as a young adult in my early 20s. My doctor wanted to catch up my body because if I didn’t, my bones will continue to grow weaker. So, for the last year and a half I have been enduring extreme emotions and body changes that a pubescent girl goes through.
My main goal from all of this is to be normal. My only dream. Now it’ll be a hair away from my goal as children is an option that has been taken from me.
Yes, I have the wonderful option to adopt a child and I always planned on it. But to hear a child that is completely yours is a beautiful thing. Almost like a passage in life.
I always said that I didn’t want to have my own children but it is different when that option is completely stripped from you.
My friends are great to point out all of the positives. They even tell me that they think I’m lucky. I believe that they just don’t understand. It’s really hard to understand when you’re on the outside looking in.
“Every action has a reaction and delivery is just as important as presentation; but neither are as important as focused intention. Paint a picture of what it is that you want, and keep that image in mind. Don’t move too fast, and don’t wait too long or it might just disappear. Move with focus, poise, and a steady gaze, and soon enough you’ll arrive at your intended destination surrounded by the beauty that you had in mind.”
I couldn’t agree with a quote so much. Or believe that this should be remembered in everyday life.
Take this knowledge with you and grow.