The memories that I buried a long time ago still manage to make an appearance.
Flashbacks that feel real.
As soon as I realize where my mind has gone, I squeeze my eyes shut. Hoping with every ounce that they just disappear already. I cringe now with just the thought…
It’s as if the events was a string of movies that are conveniently set on repeat. Playing at any moment of the day. Moments that play in my head and setting out different scenarios that could have prevented it.
So many times have I ridiculed and critiqued my actions.
But thats all I can do.
Changing the past is impossible and I have to live with what I have.
People tell me that the hardest burdens in life are better when you have help. I still have a hard time of understanding it. It is my burden so why should I share something so personal? I have tried sharing but I’ve kept the real truth from really coming out. Editing what I tell people as I speak.
Maybe it’s the feeling of embarrassment. Knowing that I am showing myself as so vulnerable scares me.
All I want is for those memories to really disappear…
Moving on from the times that hurt me the most is hard… hard on the body and soul.