“As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.”
I need to take this advice and run with it. Finding my current self lost is a hard thing to admit. But you can’t hide from the truth for long.
The memories that I buried a long time ago still manage to make an appearance.
Flashbacks that feel real.
As soon as I realize where my mind has gone, I squeeze my eyes shut. Hoping with every ounce that they just disappear already. I cringe now with just the thought…
It’s as if the events was a string of movies that are conveniently set on repeat. Playing at any moment of the day. Moments that play in my head and setting out different scenarios that could have prevented it.
So many times have I ridiculed and critiqued my actions.
But thats all I can do.
Changing the past is impossible and I have to live with what I have.
People tell me that the hardest burdens in life are better when you have help. I still have a hard time of understanding it. It is my burden so why should I share something so personal? I have tried sharing but I’ve kept the real truth from really coming out. Editing what I tell people as I speak.
Maybe it’s the feeling of embarrassment. Knowing that I am showing myself as so vulnerable scares me.
All I want is for those memories to really disappear…
Moving on from the times that hurt me the most is hard… hard on the body and soul.
Fear has it’s way of creeping up on you. Just when you thought you were safe, fear slinked its way into your line of sight. Giving you tunnel vision of just fear. The fear overcomes you and pulls every negative feeling you could possibly harbor. Emotions that you did away with because the positives out-weighed the negatives.
Sometimes you are able to muster up every ounce of strength to fight. And sometimes you succumb to its will and let the emotions devour you. When that happens, it seems to radiate off you with such strength that people close to you are concerned. But what they don’t understand, is that this time it’s different. Every other time this happened, with every bit of will-power, I was able to overcome at a faster rate.
Not this time.
“We mistake sex for romance. Guys are taught that pushing a girl against a wall is romance. Sex is easy, you can do it with anyone, yourself, with batteries. Romance is when someone you like walks into a room and they take your breath away. Romance is when two people are dancing and they fit together perfectly. Romance is when two people are walking next to each other and all of a sudden they find themselves holding hands, and they don’t know how that happened.”
-John C. Moffi-